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Endorphins and brain malfunctions

Back in the bad-old-daze, I looked for chemical stimulation to find contentment. Now, because I am an evolved person I don't look there any more. (yeah right) 

I am an aspiring writer, yeah I know I am old for that whole "aspiring" thing, but I am young at heart :-). (read, 53 and still don't know what the hell I want to do: When one cannot do anything else---write. Who said that, any one know?) I am always looking for inspiration for the next, most interesting thing to think and write about.

As I was sitting in a private place, flushing the toilet, my brain began to wander back to when I was seeking stimulation from man-manipulated chemicals to find the high that we should only get when earned. (could I have been a little more ironic when I thought about flushing my life away with a little white rock while flushing a shit down the toilet?)

Back in the day, way back before chemists could create elixirs to give us artificial happiness, people were looking for ways to make themselves feel better about life  in general. We are still trying to find personal enlightenment and happiness. Now we have chemicals to find our own personal and immediate satisfaction.

Most right thinking people know that the road down artificial well-being is fraught with turmoil and frustration and the end game really sucks. There will always be those who think they have found their happiness through artificial stimulation, yet for me, and a few others out there, chemicals were not the way, only a means to learn a hard lesson.

Yes I am and will always be an addict, yet I resist the urge to scratch that itch. You know, the one that says, "Light it up and feel the rush of saticfaction and contentment this poison can give." Every time I feel the urge to do the dirty deed I remind myself of the disaster at the end of the burnt out match just waiting to engulf me like the smoke coming from a piece of hollow glass stuffed with a metal filter and white death.

The truth is, my life is little better than those dark daze. Actually, I made better money then and lived a more or less financially secure life. I still struggle on a daily basis to make it to the next paycheck, I still have few friends. I still ride a motorcycle that needs work, though it does give me a sense of wellbeing when I ride.

Our society says that I am a better person now that I am drug free (though I still have a beer now and then). I guess I am, even though I am older and my body does not work like it should any more. I tell myself a touch of artificial joy will help that discontent smooth out. I keep asking me, "Is it worth it?"

The truth is I don't know. The most important other truth is, I will never find out.



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