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A few thoughts swimming around my brain

Two very interesting things happened to me while I was working yesterday . They made me think and look a little deeper into my being than I have in a while.

I listen to a radio talk show pretty much every day. I have gotten to “know” the personalities of the host and her Mooks. I enjoy what they talk about and sometimes feel superior to them because of their immature ways. Yet as a listener, I have become accustomed to their hair-brained ways and even like them for what they have to say. The hostess, Stephanie Miller is fun and interesting and a true character. She flirts with me and all of her other listeners and creates a smile from deep down inside my darkend soul.

As I said, she is consistent in her comedy and her views on life, some might say are, “Predictable”. Yet this is a good thing. In our world of uncertainty, it is good to know I can count on something predictable. Every once in a while though, she will come out and show her bare heart. Sometimes she is touched by something that taps into her raw emotions and releases the power of her very being.

Yesterday (5-20-14) was one of those shows.

It seems someone very close to her died unexpectedly and she shared her feelings in a very profound way.

For some reason lately I have been feeling rather emotional, maybe just lonely. At any rate, lately my emotions have been rather raw. Anger has been quick to raise its ugly head, while sadness and regret have been fighting their way through the cracks in my armor. It seems that happiness and satisfaction have been on vacation. So when Ms. Miller let her sadness fill her very being and overflow into her show, I felt it coming through the speakers and take over.

The truth is, I had nothing in the game, but the feelings of lose and even failure gushed through my radio all the way into my heart. I felt her lose more profoundly than I have felt anything in a very long time. Her raw heart-rending eulogy of her friend unleashed feelings in me that I have suppressed for time forgotten. To hear her recalling times they had together and then express her regret brought similar feelings to the surface of my not-so-well-balanced life.

I did not know the man Ms. Miller lost, but I could feel her pain. It was raw and unbridled. Her pain brought mine to the surface where I could see it and hold it and maybe, somehow overcome it. I feel refreshed.

A little while later—

I was driving down a rural highway when I saw a squirrel squirming in front of me. It was obviously critically injured, yet able to move. It crawled on its side and flopped around in the middle of the road. It was going to die, of this I am sure. I had a moment to think. Should I try to avoid it, just keep on going, or end its pain? I swerved and aimed for its head. It was in pain and it would die soon, either by car or its injuries. I felt it go.

I dealt the final blow to a living creature. Was it within my purview as a human being to make this decision? After all, I am not a God who has the authority to make life and death decisions. Yet I saw a creature in distress and wanted to help in some way. I do not regret ending the life of that little creature, I just wish it was not necessary 

I don’t know if these two events had any influence in my dreams that night, yet I had a pretty profound one. I dreamt of an old relationship. It was a strange one, the dream that is. Most of my dreams are stories reflecting some undetermined issue. Yet this one was a rehash of my former lover and our good times together. After some reminiscing of past glories together, scenes of love and tenderness flowed through my mind’s eye…Snuggling and hugs, and even kisses were flashed in this surreal dream.

Then the simple kiss of farewell and the understanding that the past was the past and could not be dredged up. I woke up with that thought and tried to go back to sleep and find that place of happiness. What happened in the dream though, was the understanding that I could never go back, but that it is OK to think about those good times and remember a smile.

Interesting thoughts here, what do you think?



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