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A visit to the danger zone

The other day I had a visit from a friend. Now this person and I go back a ways. I was infatuated with some work my friend did which I studied for a college assignment. I was lucky enough to get an interview with this person and a friendship of sorts was ensued.

We have a rather contentious relationship, we will go for long periods of time without seeing each other. During one point in our relationship I felt pushed away, used like a piece of trash to be discarded. Then again I may have done the same.

Whenever I get a visit from my friend, I am happy and excited. My friend is an exciting person and always brightens my day. This time we were gonna talk about a story I was working on, after all my friend is a published author and the closest thing I have to a muse.

My door burst open and we were on. We talked and hugged, got caught up and settled into reading my work. After reading it, I was told to email the story, and she would go further into it. The moonshine was out and some flowed. Something else was brought out and partaken.

I have been wondering about that stuff and how I could deal with it. Well, after a bit my brain was not working so well. It was at that moment my friend said, "If you were a real man you'd drink that," nodding to the sip or more of beverage in front of me. "I've finished 4 shots and you have not finished with yours."

"I was a little confounded by that statement, and my head was spinning from it and other things roaming around my brain. I was not sure what to say, so I picked up my glass, swirled it, sniffed it and drank half what was there looking my friend in the eye all the while. I put the drink down...and left it there.

We talked awhile, but never really got to talking about my story or how to make it better. Finally it was time for my friend to go. My friend had many things to do during the day and I wanted to continue with my writing. A little something-something was left for me to use later, though I kinda knew I would not.

It bothered me that my manhood would be challenged by my friend. My past with all its abuses was well known. We have talked about my addictions, yet when I knew that I was at a point where I had to stop, my very being was challenged. I wanted to drink that stuff and I wanted to do the other, but I knew a cliff was in front of me and I could not fall off. There would be no bottom until the final Crash.

Does this make me less than a man? Do I suffer from wimpitis because I know a bad thing when I find it? If that is the case, than I am a wimp. I walked out side after my friend left and I was reminded of all the other times I had done the very same thing, only I had said yes back then. I remembered the empty feeling of wanting more. I remembered the way the world looked in the middle of the afternoon when I was fucked-up with various poisons in my blood. I remembered the need to get more into my system---to make me feel better---?

I felt all of these feelings right at that moment. I knew it was all false, even my feelings of inadequacy were not real, at least partly. I felt empty and knew that I could fill that empty space with chemicals and feel happy for a moment. I went back into the house and threw the shit into the fire and closed that door.



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