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In My Head, I'm a Little Confused

So a couple weeks ago I messaged an old friend and lover. I wanted to know the name of a movie she was involved with, Songcatcher. My father is doing a little light research on music of this region and I thought he might want see it for some reference.
We messaged back and forth getting caught up on things. Finally she asked me if I was going to her birthday at a mutual friends. I told her that I was busy that day and could not make it. But wait! The party was not going to be on the Sunday, but really on the Friday evening before. My reply was maybe. She said she might just come on down and get some Neil time.
Well, as the weeks past and the date of the party came closer, my friend never contacted me or made any attempt to communicate at all. So I thought I would just let the whole thing go. I have to admit I was a little concerned and I tried to figure out what I should do if she came-a-knockin’ at my door late that evening.
I let The Runtyun, persuade me to go to a movie. Go ahead and say it, “Cop out!” By the way, Lincoln is very good movie. I enjoyed it a lot even though I thought some of the dialect was a little staged.
Finally we came home and I saw the lights on at the house where the party was supposed to be. It turns out I think, there was no party and thus no uncomfortable scene with my friend.
Truth is I was relieved, yet kind of disappointed too. There was a time when I thought our futures could be brought from me and her to us, and the romantic in me sometimes wants to find out what our combined energy could do. Then I ask myself, “Can I really make this special woman happy and still be the person that I am trying to grow into?”
I guess what confuses me most is the dueling emotions joisting in my brain battle field.



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